Ehrmagerd! Bourcon!

UPDATE! 19/03/2013
First time through I didn't get what I would call an excellent result. So I re-did it.
TIPS! Leave the Bourbon/Bacon mix out at room temperature for at least 24 hours. Put the cooked bacon in it too. The longer you leave it, the better. Then you can put it in the freezer.
NOTE: The freezing process is literally just to make getting the bacon fat out easier. It is worth it - the last thing you want when you drink your delicious bourcon is bacon fat in your mouth. Not even a little bit. That shit is DISGUSTING.
Also, I have since been told that Bacon Vodka works well too. Go forth my children.

ORIGINAL POST
In this world there are Bacon People, who seem to live on the internet and Non-Bacon people, who I don't give a fuck about at all, let alone which syphilis-riddled mattress they sleep on under a bridge. Non-bacon people are not to be trusted. This includes vegetarians, vegans, people with allergies, the religious and people whose family/friend/new wife were tragically killed by or with a pig at Christmas somehow, like in Gremlins*, and worst of all - people who claim to "just not like it". These people are hiding a secret family in their basement. And don't start with the "But I have a legitimate reason blah", I don't want to hear it and you don't really need my friendship that badly.

I don't know much about religions. What I do know is that when they talk about someone with wine for blood, they could be talking about any number of my friends. Where is the God with Bourbon for blood? Where is the God that can feed 40k with Souvlaki and Beer? That's MY kind of miracle. What I mean is - anyone with wine for blood is ok by me unless he touches kids. Even then I'm sure he had his reasons, like it might have been a really sexy kid. And let's face it, any sexy kid who complains about being paedophilated by a God needs to have his priorities checked. Look up Ganymede, he didn't really seem to complain because he understood what it meant. Be warned, it may change your opinion of Zeus, unless you have a high opinion of child abduction and rape. But I digress. I was recently in Canberra where a bartender, as he made me an Old Fashioned, told me of a little thing called "Bacon Bourbon". Yes. It rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say it. Bacon Bourbon...now whisper it loudly and slowly...Baaaaacon (long slow intake of breath through your nose) Boooourbon. If you are at work, sneak up behind someone hot and whisper it into their ear without warning. Then breathe deeply and remember your last orgasm. No reason, it's just nice to do. Then go back to your desk and pack up your things, security will be along shortly.

If watching The Lost Boys has taught me anything, Catholics have a concoction called Holy Water which is good for protecting yourself against vampires. I would like to suggest that Bourcon (Bacon Bourbon...Bourcon! Get it?) is potentially particularly good for protecting yourself against Muslim and/or Jewish Vampires due to the double-whammy of Bacon and Alcohol. If you can get it blessed too, that would be some kind of potent de-vampiring juice. Although potentially it also may contravene one of those treaties about chemical warfare because FACT! Bacon is a chemical. OK, maybe not, but booze might be. Find out. (If I get a choice when I die, I will choose Bacon Gas). Either way, use it sparingly on your enemy as you will want most of it down your facehole. If you are going to need to use it on Muslim and/or Jewish Vampire, I would suggest using a Super-Soaker as you can also shoot it directly into your friend's mouth from across a room while you're waiting for the Muslim and/or Jewish Vampire Apocalypse to start.

Where was I? Oh yes, Bourcon. So anyway, a lacklustre search online came up with fuck all about where to buy Bacon Bourbon in Melbs, but it did come up with a recipe for making your own. And it is so EASY even an alcoholic baby could do it. So I had my alcoholic baby do it and I just took the photos.

You will need these 3 ingredients.

Bacon Bourbon
Bottle of Bourbon. Your choice, I got a cheap one that I really like called "Hogs 3" because APPROPRIATE. Ideally it will be 700ml/750ml. If its a 1lt bottle, add another strip of bacon.
2 strips of fatty bacon
Coffee filter paper
A 1 litre jug
A Freezer

Method
Fry the bacon.

The pig that keeps on giving.

As the fat renders, pour it into the 1 litre jug. Get as much of the liquid fat from the pan as you can.
When it has cooled a little, pour the bottle of bourbon into the jug over the fat.
Keep the empty bottle aside as you will need it tomorrow when you pour the bourcon back into it.
Put the Bourbon & Bacon fat mix in the freezer overnight.
You may now eat the bacon. Or maybe keep a bit to put in the bottom of the bottle like the maggot in tequila. Actually don't do that, gross.

NEXT: Time Travel forward to the world of tomorrow.
Take the Bourcon out of the freezer. You will see the bacon fat has congealed into gross white globs.

Gross. And it looks like that other disgusting white muck, White Chocolate.

Remove them and chuck them on or near the bin, like I did. Then go pick them up and put them in the bin. Or feel free to taste one and then regret it like my Brother-In-Law. You wont be able to get all of them, so this is where the Filters come in. Put a filter into a funnel and place it in the neck of the empty bourbon bottle. Then SLOWLY pour the Bourcon into the filter and let it do its thing. You will need to change the filter with each funnel-full. I used 6 filters. Repeat until all the Bourcon has been filtered into the bottle.

There may be something wrong with your prostate

Congratulations! You are a Master Bourcon Distiller.

You can now do these three things - Taste your wares. Orgasm. Die Happy. kthxbye

Bourcon Old Fashioned
60ml Bourcon
10ml Maple Syrup (use the good stuff, not Maple "flavoured" syrup)
A few splashes of Bitters
Orange Twist
Pour the maple syrup and bitters into an old-fashioned glass and mix. Fill the glass to the top with ice then pour the bourbon over the top. Stir it all until the glass is very cold and the drink mixed thoroughly. Take the twist of orange and squeeze it over the top (the orange oils are brilliant), then rub it around the rim of the glass. Then get into a retro suit, light up a smoke and pretend you're Don Draper, only even more pork-related.

 *Everyone's truth is different. Less judgement, more lovement.